Determined not to be one of those mumsy mums.
Before I had my first son I was really worried about how motherhood would change me. I was determined not to become one of those mumsy mums who talked about nothing else but their children. 👶
As I left for maternity leave I told my colleagues to keep me informed of any team socials so I’d have a chance to catch up. 🥳 I didn’t want them to think I was going to stop socialising because I was too tired or had had a rough day with the baby. 😮
And so soon enough an invite to a team dinner appeared. I was surprised that after all my chat, I felt pretty torn as to whether to accept it. But I wanted to live up to the commitment I’d made to my former self.
I went along to the restaurant early so I could bag a seat at the end of the table to accommodate the buggy. I was actually feeling pretty nervous but put on my best smile. 😁
The first person to arrive was my boss’s boss. I did a little internal freak out 😫 as he took the seat opposite me and proceeded to make chit chat.
All I could think about was how I was going to deal with my son’s need to breastfed ALL THE TIME! 🤱🏼 I had never felt self conscious about it before but all of a sudden I felt like I was in too deep.
I would like to say that I quickly got over it, not worrying about the imagined discomfort that I was causing him. But I didn’t, I went and hid in the disabled loo and fed my son there instead. 😳
I think that feeling like you have lost all or part of your identity after becoming a mum is pretty common. It left me feeling such a mix of conflicting emotions:
I absolutely loved my son to bits, like my heart would just burst with affection for him, but yet I missed the freedom I’d had before.
I adored caring for him, nurturing him and seeing him develop but felt like I was giving up my own personal development.
I wanted him to be contented and happy all the time but I was completely exhausted from the lack of sleep that went with this.
I so desperately wanted to be seen to be a ‘good’ mum as well as a ‘fun’ person but yet ended up feeling stressed out when I tried to slot my baby into my ‘normal’ activities.
Luckily, one of my colleagues who was also a friend and a mum of three arrived late. I breathed a sigh of relief as she pulled up a chair at my end of the table, exchanged stories about those early days of motherhood and held my son as I ate my meal. I was telepathically sending eternal gratitude to her. 😊
That night was a bit of a turning point for me. I realised that resisting all the change that motherhood brought wasn’t serving me particularly well.
Now, rather than holding me back it’s been the greatest learning journey of my life:
I've thought a lot more deeply about what sort of behaviours I want to exemplify to them.
I've realised how precious my time is and how I want to make the most of it.
I've realised how important it is to me to fulfil my potential to show them that it is possible to achieve your biggest goals.
I've realised that it is way more important to be true to myself than worry about how I am appearing to other people.
I have learnt a lot of this through working with my own coach to assess my values and priorities. Now I feel like as well as being the sort of mum I want to be I can also focus on aspects of myself without feeling guilty.