Before I had my first son I was really worried about how motherhood would change me. I was determined not to become one of those mumsy mums who talked about nothing else but their children. 👶 

As I left for maternity leave I told my colleagues to keep me informed of any team socials so I’d have a chance to catch up. 🥳 I didn’t want them to think I was going to stop socialising because I was too tired or had had a rough day with the baby. 😮 

And so soon enough an invite to a team dinner appeared. I was surprised that after all my chat, I felt pretty torn as to whether to accept it. But I wanted to live up to the commitment I’d made to my former self. 

I went along to the restaurant early so I could bag a seat at the end of the table to accommodate the buggy. I was actually feeling pretty nervous but put on my best smile. 😁

The first person to arrive was my boss’s boss. I did a little internal freak out 😫 as he took the seat opposite me and proceeded to make chit chat. 

All I could think about was how I was going to deal with my son’s need to breastfed ALL THE TIME! 🤱🏼 I had never felt self conscious about it before but all of a sudden I felt like I was in too deep. 

I would like to say that I quickly got over it, not worrying about the imagined discomfort that I was causing him. But I didn’t, I went and hid in the disabled loo and fed my son there instead. 😳

I think that feeling like you have lost all or part of your identity after becoming a mum is pretty common. It left me feeling such a mix of conflicting emotions:

• I absolutely loved my son to bits, like my heart would just burst with affection for him, but yet I missed the freedom I’d had before.

• I adored caring for him, nurturing him and seeing him develop but felt like I was giving up my own personal development.

• I wanted him to be contented and happy all the time but I was completely exhausted from the lack of sleep that went with this.

• I so desperately wanted to be seen to be a ‘good’ mum as well as a ‘fun’ person but yet ended up feeling stressed out when I tried to slot my baby into my ‘normal’ activities.

Luckily, one of my colleagues who was also a friend and a mum of three arrived late. I breathed a sigh of relief as she pulled up a chair at my end of the table, exchanged stories about those early days of motherhood and held my son as I ate my meal. I was telepathically sending eternal gratitude to her. 😊

That night was a bit of a turning point for me. I realised that resisting all the change that motherhood brought wasn’t serving me particularly well. 

Now, rather than holding me back it’s been the greatest learning journey of my life:

• I've thought a lot more deeply about what sort of behaviours I want to exemplify to them.

• I've realised how precious my time is and how I want to make the most of it.

• I've realised how important it is to me to fulfil my potential to show them that it is possible to achieve your biggest goals.

• I've realised that it is way more important to be true to myself than worry about how I am appearing to other people.

I have learnt a lot of this through working with my own coach to assess my values and priorities. Now I feel like as well as being the sort of mum I want to be I can also focus on aspects of myself without feeling guilty.